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Al88

My mom has this idea that we need to ask for expensive things in a relationship. My fiance and I got engaged, and she had to come with me to the store to choose my ring for me.. She wants me to have a certain type of wedding.. she just believes that she has a " say " in my life! Im 22 and now that I started speaking up, she takes it to offense saying Ive changed after getting engaged and how I break her heart. Im so annoyed, as I think she and my dad ruined thier marriage ( even though they are still married) I dont want to be ANYTHING like her or my dad, I respect them but most of the time they get no my last nerves, and I dont like thier habits, nor do I like the way they handle situations.. and their personalities.. I sound so bad, but Ive been through so much in my life because of the both of them. Now, My fiance should buy me a diamond ring, ( because my mom wants him to ) and since I currently live abroad, and our family is a bit culture oriented.. She wants him to buy the ring in the country we reside in currently becuase she believes that diomands are much more expensive, and valuable then the ones in the states. if It were up to me, I dont want a diomand ring in the first place, but if I were to choose one, I dont care how much it is! like id perfer something not to expensive in the first place because a ring doesnt mean that much to me.. its the fact that I love my fiance and want to spend my life with him... she thinks that if the ring is expensive not only does it show he cares for me but if anything happens God forbid, I can sell the ring and viola its a safe net. Anyway please advise.. as I really wanna do things my way...

One time she actually told me I have no say.. and my opinion holds no value in this matter..:( I told her that was really a mean thing to say and she took that to offense and insulted me..
Thank you so much


sue

I have a daughter your age and I would never insist on making HER decisions for her. I would give my advice and leave it at that. Your mother is just going to have to face the fact that you are your own person. But after reading your post, my advice to you would be to really be sure you want to get married so young. I married young and I regret it. I now believe in long engagements ........... make sure you discuss children (how many, how to discipline, etc.) and money (who makes it, how to spend it, save it, etc.) and sex (can you both talk about it openly). Good luck, you've got alot of life left, live it your way.


al88

Thank you so much sue (: I really appreciate it.. I also pray that I will do the same thing with my kids. I want to be able to let them grow and develop as thier own people but ofcourse with my guidance.. But I wouldnt want to force things or my opinions onto them. Well, about marriage, its yea something we both want -- since there is no other way we can be together- were both really looking forward to it and we are like best friends (: we speak about everything, including sex openly and no each other pretty well. we discussed kids, education, religion, basically anything and everything.. of course we dont see eye to eye on everything, but little things we can definetly work on together.. (: your daughter is very lucky to have you (:


Mamapie

I had the same problem many years ago. I felt torn between my obligation to my parents and my relationship with my husband. Once I fully understood that my relationship with my husband was FOREMOST in my life and my relationship with my parents was only SECONDARY to my relationship to my husband, my whole thought-process changed. My parents did NOT like my new way of thinking but it reinforced a stronger support of my husband and our marriage. It was the RIGHT thing to do. I was no longer bound by my parents wishes but a partner to my husband.


Mamapie

Let me add that the wedding ring set should be a choice that is based on what you both like and can afford. I'm sure (from experience) that your first wedding ring set will be replaced with a more expensive set down the road. Your mother is experiencing separation anxiety. She no longer will have control over you and she fears she's being completely replaced by your fiancee. Sometimes that's a very hard thing for Mom's to adjust to. She's overseen every aspect of your growth from a dependent child into a soon-to-be independent, married woman. It's hard to cut the strings cold turkey. Nonetheless, it is something that has to be done if your relationship is to continue on a healthier term. Patience and love for your Mom will go a long way, my dear, but you must maintain a firm (not defiant manner) foothold as a soon-to-be married woman. YOU must train HER in her new role as "Mother"/secondary to your role as "Wife". Be persistant and loving and she will get the message.


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